first rejection email

Fuck you, Cal Bedient!
Do you think you 'get' my poetry?
Do you think poetry is
something you can 'get'
or that can be 'gotten' ?

Are you a moron?

Duh, I'm Cal Bedient!
I'm the biggest moron
EVER

Dear Michael, Thank you
for your interest in our magazine.
Unfortunately, the work you sent
isn't right for us.
yours,
Cal Bedient.

That's all you have to say?
I spent so much time
on that cover letter

and for days I thought
endlessly

about how my politely deferential
(yet unassuming) confidence
that I exuded with all subtlety
in my letter

would hook you in, remind you
of a young yourself,

and all I get is timely
and polite rejection?

What if I turn it around?

Dear Mr. Bedient,
I read your poems,
and though they're terrible
I've got some suggestions
to elevate them above their

SHODDY CONSTRUCTION

BANAL GRANDIOSITY

CONFUSION OF BAD WRITING

WITH INTELLECTUAL HONESTY!

Doesn't sound as fun,
does it?

Never again will I mention
how your poems were ok
but kind of difficult
to understand
but I loved your line
about the flowers winking
and the way you used line breaks
to change subject
while maintaining the grammar
of the phrase my god it killed me

you don't get my praise anymore
never will I buy you from used bookstores

because you clearly
don't understand creativity
and you know it
and take it out on younger poets

because YOU SUCK,

Cal Bedient, YOU SUCK!!!!!